It has been roughly two years since I attempted suicide, until recently when I was ready to give up. I struggled to accept and embrace myself for the decisions I have made, and learn to love myself with all of my imperfections. I was not being honest with who I was, how I felt, and what I needed. I was seeking affection and approval from all the people whom I called friends and family, just to be disappointed. I was done. But, I am very fortunate to have people who helped me come back from these negative thoughts. They helped me realize what is important and reminded me how precious life is.
Lavender. It symbolizes serenity, opportunity, and grace. I truly need to immerse in learning to love and forgive myself for all of my mistakes. I am choosing to respect myself, rather than convincing others to do it for me. I am reminding myself every day of my self-worth and to process life as it is, rather than how it should be. I do not have to do what everyone else is doing, and I certainly do not need anyone’s permission to live my life. I will take on new adventures, no matter how big or small it may be, and seize the day with all possible opportunities that come my way. In order to accomplish all of this, I will stay optimistic and manifest in God’s salvation. I have faith that all things happen for a reason, even if it is not clear right now.
Forget Me Not. It symbolizes remembrance, charity and undying love. Death will always be a trigger point for me regarding the loss of my son. I bought a promise ring-which I still wear everyday-to symbolize my promise to act with love and kindness, forgive others no matter the situation, accept consequences and live my life without burdening feelings. One of the forget-me-not is in remembrance of LukaTony James. The other is in remembrance of myself; the part of my life that I cannot take back from the abuse, neglect and unfortunate events that I had to overcome. However, I will show gratitude for having my life because we are not always guaranteed our next breath, or anything else for that matter. I am just very fortunate to be able to love and feel loved.
People will come and go. Events will come and go. Day and night will come and go. But, loving and appreciating myself will always remain with me, and can only change my relationships for the better.